"I hope it's okay if I love you forever".

On December 6, 2022, I suffered from a missed diagnosed placenta abruption. Although my pregnancy was healthy and on track, at almost 35 weeks I began to bleed and my blood pressure spiked. I was rushed to the emergency room via ambulance, but it was to late, Harbour no longer had a heartbeat. 

On December 7th 2022 at 1:20 pm, Harbour was delivered. We did not hear him cry, nor felt his heartbeat against our chests, but he was our beautiful boy. We will never understand why God choose him, but we know that he is resting in God's arms, our angel always. 

 Thankfully Grant Medical Center had a device invented in the UK called a CuddleCot. The cuddlecot was put into our room and helped keep Harbours body temp low so we could have him in our room till discharge. In my particular case, I was able to spend 5 days with Harbour. 

We had him baptized after birth, then the following days I held him endlessly. Although nothing fit him, i changed his clothes for 5 days, and attempted to swaddle him, but the blankets were fsr to big. I read him a story, I ran my fingers thru his hair, I wrapped my fingers around his, I held his hands, I kissed his forehead, his little toes and told him all the amazing things I had planned. I told him about his siblings, and how excited Phynnlee was to be a big sister for a change, and how we had just finished his nursery days prior. I told him how much he was loved, and wanted and how I would never forget him. 

I went into Labour with my angel Robert Charles Edward on September 28th, I started experiencing contractions in the morning and waited until they were closer to go into the hospital. After arriving the doctors confirmed the contractions were close enough together and after they proceeded to put the baby on the monitor.  That is the moment I learned that my baby had wings and halo

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What started as a joyous occasion turned cold and silent. When the doctor confirmed that he was indeed gone. All I could say was Ok. I remember her saying “I don’t think you understand what I am telling you, your baby has died. I am so very sorry.” Even the doctor was shaking from sadness. I told her “I understand what you said but I am trying to figure out how I am going to tell my baby sister and 2 and half year old son. How do I go about having him now? What are the next steps?”  

She didn’t feel like I was completely understanding what I was being told and she told me she would give me time to process and left. I remember sitting waiting; just wanting them to take him out and to stop feeling the contractions because it felt like I was being punished. He ended up being born September 29th, 2016 a little after midnight. All I wanted in that moment was to hear a cry that never came. Now thanks to Elizabeth Carter I can help other families in his honor. Along the way I get to heal parts of myself that I didn’t think could heal.